BEACH CRICKET: SUN, SAND AND INSANITY
Ruskin Ramsundar - Publisher/Creative Director

Cricket is rapidly moving from the sublime to the ridiculous. Any poor soul clutching desperately to the forlorn hope that Twenty/20 cricket is the game's last step along the populist path had better beware. The worst is yet to come.

Soon, the 20-over cricket, the slog and vooping version of the game, will be made to appear a sensible creation meriting serious consideration .

According to my macco, another form of the game will soon rear its madly grinning head. Eyes giddy with dollar signs, former players - including the usual suspects - have for a considerable time been recommending to a gullible public the virtues of beach cricket, an activity soon to despoil any precious coastline.

Beach cricket must count among the most ghastly of human recreations. Wait a second… correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t beaches for sleeping and reading and resting and digging holes and building castles and warming the body after a plunge and some cold beers and eye-googling the scantily clad ladies. Some even stoop to throwing frisbees or batting balls with racquets, activities usually undertaken with a sixties smile. Others exercise. A handful even like to talk.

Truthfully though, ball sports do not work when played on sand. The surface is either too hard or too soft. Often the wind is blowing. Lots of sports have tried. Volleyball and soccer have all attempted to corner the market so much so that some of them have become Olympic disciplines, but that my friend is a lady of notoriously easy virtue.

None has captured the imagination. Although often attractively attired, participants invariably look disgusting. Knock kneed women in bikinis cavorting all over the sand, ugly, broken toed men sucking in their tummies diving on the hot sand, no sireee. No one who has watched these games properly played on hard courts or turfed fields can tolerate these trendy exhibitions of ineptitude.

And if I may say, sand, shorts and sunglasses deserve a better fate.

Of course, the idea of staging official sports on the beach is as tempting as any Maracas bake and shark. Everyone can remember childhood games of beach cricket, or soccer or whatever. Over the years, memory has managed to repair the damage.

Truth to tell, they were all horrendous. While Tantie Melda would raise her skirt and Uncle Boysie would put a handkerchief on his head, most balls would end up as windswept wides and those within reach would be missed. Then another batsman would come jovially to the crease and all and sundry would laugh and hide their secret misery. Meanwhile, the deckchair would refuse to open and sand would infiltrate the bake and shark and the tide would go out and everyone would get burnt and it would all end in tears.

Strangely though, some ex-cricketers who have actually played beach cricket, have been with reasonably straight faces, advocating the game as an activity fit for human consumption. The Englishmen who are championing this cause can be forgiven, as their beaches do offer some relief from the surrounding dullness - besides which, the water is usually too cold and the surf too flat to encourage anyone to get wet.

The rest must have gone stark, staring mad. Presumably, some ill-advised corporation or other is pouring money into the entire fiasco. And if it is a beer company is the culprit then it could prove to be a masterstroke. Everyone will be so wretched after watching a beach match that they will inevitably seek solace in the bottle.

Sand and water have sporting glories of their own. Surf carnivals reflect the range of activities that have been developed over the years to give humans an opportunity to pit themselves against the sea, the sand and each other. Boats plunge into waves, lifesavers perform drills, swimmers rush in raging seas, surfers stand on boards or try to catch the wind, canoes and other small crafts race back and forth. And it all works because it is in harmony with the facilities. These sports have survived the test of time.

Twenty-over cricket on the other hand may well be an abomination, but it is not without its reference points. Beach cricket however is simply silly. Famous men eager for another bounty sing its praises, but, once the novelty wears off, it will fail. In the end, its foolishness will be exposed